11:15 PM, 45 minutes to go but this year, I am not waiting until midnight strikes. 

While everybody looks forward to their birthdays, I dread them. 

Each year, I wait and wait. But each year, I am disappointed. 

I tell myself, maybe this year will be different. But it never has. 

And I’m tired of holding this string of hope. 

If I stay quiet, would they hear it?

“What are you doing this year?” Nothing. 

But inside, I’m testing to see if you would care enough to do anything. 

Last night was one of the tougher nights to fall asleep. It’s been a month and so of constant applications and rejections. It’s hard to keep it together when it feels like the universe keeps tearing you apart. It’s hard to be strong when you’re so exhausted. It’s hard to keep smiling when you’ve quietly cried so many nights. It’s so, so hard. I’m afraid for the day where I have to call it quits. I’m afraid to surrender. Not when I’ve come so far. But can I do when there’s nothing I can do?